I consider myself pretty young (age 43) to have as much experience with life, illness and death as I have. I am the mother of two who are the loves of my life, I've lost both of my parents to tragedy and illness and now my son of 14 has been hit hard with brain cancer. As terrifying as any cancer diagnosis is, this one is the winner of its power which brings soul bending fear. I spend my time trying to help my son get through this, he's gone through surgery which left him unable to walk, talk, eat....he's relearning himself. I grieve over what he had to lose to keep his life, over what I had to lose (this wonderful and funny child) to rebuild him into a new child. Yes, I consider us fortunate to have the chance to save him and that I live in a country where he has that chance. I have been studying
Stillness Speaks to learn the art of allowing to help me deal with my fears. The all powerful (some call God, I call the all power of life) has control over it all, it's hard to come to terms with that. My brain, my heart fight each other in the war of allowing. The art of being still shows us that if you just be, without thought, the problems of the world cease to exist. It sounds way out there, but I started thinking about it and it is true. If you notice a flower on the side of the road in all its glory, it doesn't "think" about how it lives by the road, that it may get run down, it shines with what it is, brings beauty to the world, feeds a bee or butterfly that will carry itself on into the future. I've realized that we can't control our life and death. We can't control that we are born, we can't control when we leave. As unfair my heart says a child should not be ill, it is a fact of life and our number got called. My dad always told me we have many off ramps in our life period, depending on how long we get to live on this planet. I know I've experienced several myself, I actually should have left this earth when I was a mere 6 years old, from drowning. At the last moment, I was saved. I've had several other "off ramps" that I almost took but some small glitch kept me from going there. I hope my son can fight this disease and live a long life on this earth, I can't imagine life here without him. I know life will go on if not as much as I won't want it to, and those left behind would just keep breathing, just like they would if I went tomorrow. You live until you don't and that is the basis of all existence. In it's simplicity it is beautiful and if we can grasp it, we would "live" so much more powerfully than we do without fear of our "exit off ramp". Humans are way too complex for their own good. Due to our ability to plan and expect a future in a certain way, when it is derailed we almost can't deal with it anymore. I don't deal with it well, and I am very spiritually aware of life and death. Sometimes I just visualize pulling back from the earth, passing billions of stars going back farther and farther, gaze at all of existence which is so much larger than me, my "being" here on Earth is so miniscule in the story of existence it is humbling. The earth is billions of years old, our being here is a gift anyway, to experience it's existence and bounty, we should be so grateful and awed by its power.
Brandon and I were walking in the garden at the hospital after drinking some Sunkist as a treat this morning. I was asking him if he could sniff, because directly after the surgery his sniffer didn't work (nor could he draw from a straw) but he said he could. I picked a rose (only because he was unable to reach one to sniff) and as I brought it up to his nose, he stuck out his tongue!! The color contrast was so funny, I snapped a pic with his phone. Isn't it interesting that these two colors make you feel warm, alive, happy? He had a good morning this morning except for a little nausea. He is walking soooo much better, he gets stronger every day. I love this little guy so much. Can't wait to go home!
